February 06, 2012

The day I bought a mattress and left a wood-splintered impression

 So Friday I went to go buy a mattress for Jannika's room. I walk into this great wholesale furniture showroom right by our house, Jannika and Silas following right behind me. As they are under threat of instantaneous death if they reach out and break something, they walk sedately, hands clasped behind each back. (Which only lasted about 40 seconds, but it was impressive to the sales manager at least.)

Sales Manager: "What can I help you with?"
Me: "Do you sell any extra-long twin mattresses?"
Sales Manager: "I don't see why you would need something like that."
Me: [blank stare]
Sales Manager: [looking at me expectantly]
Me: [emitting small nervous laugh....starting to look for the nearest exit]
Sales Manager: "Hahahahaha! I'm KIDDING!! Look at you!! Of COURSE you'd want an extra-long twin! These two here will be tall drinks of water, too, I'm sure."

I am a sucker for "tall drink of water" compliments. I just have to say.

And as we're hashing out the details and the price, Silas is touching everything humanly possible (because he's a kid, the furniture store is boring, mom's taking over an hour, and of course there is no better time to be naughty when mom's distracted and haggling over a free bed frame).
"Silas, don't kick the desk."
"Silas, if you touch that lamp again, you're in for it."
"Silas, keep your hands down."
"Silas, feet down."
"Silas, did you just touch that lamp again??"
"Silas, don't kick the desk. Or no milk later. Don't-- That's it. No milk." (Don't judge. I don't know why I took away milk. I was trying to get a free bed frame, for goodness sake.)

Meanwhile, Jannika, looking quite smug, is standing perfectly still, hands still clasped behind her back. She leans over to me and points out, "At least we are obeying girls who aren't breaking things, huh?" To which I respond, "You are doing a terrific job. Terrific."

Sale complete, I start walking out and make one last beeline toward a display bed with the same brand mattress I just purchased. Hmmm...I hope I made the right decision. This pillowtop is uber comfy...although a little aggressive in height. Ahhhhh. It feels good to lie here. Huh. What's that one right there?

I walk over to a trundle bed, sit on the edge, then stretch out flat on that mattress, too.

And then the bar supporting the slats (supporting the mattress) gives way. And I, spread eagle on the mattress, fall though the empty bed area below, break through those slats, and land with a deafening crash on the floor.

And as I lie there, splintered wood still raining down, sawdust filling my nostrils, I briefly think about dying. Of embarrassment. Not from free-falling 3 feet on a mattress.

But I carefully pick myself up, ignore all the stares around me, and walk (scarlet-red-faced) to the sales desk and announce, "Someone may need to take a look at the trundle bed over there." And then I walk out, my kids all saucer-eyed and silent behind me.

And as I'm silently buckling Jannika's car seat, she pats my arm and murmurs, "At least there's one obeying girl not breaking things, huh?"

At least.

The worst part? I couldn't finagle free delivery, so I have to GO BACK tomorrow to pick up the mattress set and face that sales guy once more.

I feel nauseous just thinking of it.

1 comment:

Jo VanderPloeg said...

I can always count on your posts to make me belly laugh outloud. Today was no exception! Thank you for writing this story!!!