The most annoying snack story ever

Last week I had to provide snacks for Jannika's preschool class. Sigh...

I decided on cheese and crackers, which would have been super simple had I not...well, a lot of things, apparently, the main being "had I not been a total and complete freak."

Instead of being normal and buying a box of Wheat Thins and a block of cheese to slice, I was demonically possessed and lost my mind. I bought a 2-pound bag of cheese cubes (which may not sound like a lot, but you'd be surprised how big that stupid bag was) and a box of store-brand wheat crackers - all in the name of Dutch frugality. And then I got home and surveyed the damage.

I knew I had to remove two-thirds of the cheese cubes. First off, the bag was ridiculously large - it just looked stupid to be carrying into a classroom to feed 16 little bodies. Here, little boy, is a mountain of cheese the size of your head. And here, little girl, is your own mountain of cheese. And then the obnoxiously-cheap part of me was seriously worried I'd never see the rest of my cheese investment return in Jannika's backpack.

So the first thing I do is open the bag and accidentally tear off the resealable zipper. So now I'll be handing over what appears to be a half-eaten, moronically-opened, and questionably-sanitary bag of chip-clipped cheese. Gross. Even to me.

Then sometime that night at our house, someone opens the fake wheat thins. Fake wheat thins? Already not classy. Opened, half-eaten fake wheat thins? So I panic, pull the crackers of out the box, dump a bunch into the most attractive tupperware I can find (uhhhh, used Gladware), and promptly climb onto my countertop to use the now-empty cracker box to elevate my latest white antique pitcher purchase. Obviously I need to time-out a moment to insert an explanation photo:

And in the middle of the night it suddenly occurs to me that all allergy warnings are now missing from the boxless fake wheat thins (a grievous felony in preschool snack laws).

My first thought is to return all the crackers to the box, but one look it, now dusty and dented, and I realize what I'd be bringing: open fake wheat thins resting directly (with no bag) in a crumpled box covered in top-of-cupboard dust . . . So at 3am I retrieved my art pens and a white index card and made the most attractive "May contain traces of wheat and egg" FDA allergy warning to tape to the top of my crappy Gladware.

Freak.

And since my pens were already out, my 3am brain thought it highly practical to label our last name on the $0.02 IKEA bag clip sealing the cheese cubes. God forbid the preschool teacher steal my bag clip on top of all of this.

I am sorry you even had to read this.