I eat bonbons

I feel a little tug at the covers and hear the dreaded, "'Nuggle, mommy. Moooommy! 'Ake up! 'Nuggle!" And without even opening my eyes, I can tell by the pitch darkness that it still has to be 5-something in the morning. But who can resist a warm little monkey body who wants to snuggle? Well, then play with my iPhone. And then demand help frying dough in the Donut Maker app. And show me the scary spider stamp in his doodle game after repeated head whacks and "'Ake up, mommy! 'Ook - 'piders! 'Ake up!" whack whack

So I convince Silas to watch an episode of Little Einsteins in the next room so I can attempt to doze off for another 26 minutes. And right as I'm succumbing to unconsciousness, I hear the crinkle crinkle of the bag of bulk candy mix I was snacking on last night. After confiscating all left-out food items and apple knives by the couch, I return to bed, only to have Jannika creep in next to me, her bony limbs trying to tangle with my bony limbs. And then she coughs in my face. And coughs some more. And Rob, still lying in bed silently, starts groaning in annoyance.

So I convince Jannika to watch the remainder of the Einsteins episode, and I leave to admit defeat and wash my face for the morning. And as I get ready, I mentally block out the three screaming fights the kids have over who-knows-what, thinking they'll fetch me if it gets too involved. As I walk past the living room to make coffee, I come across Jannika sitting on Silas' head.

And following that is a fight over race cars. Then over plastic animals. Finally, fed up with negotiating and refereeing, I send Jannika to timeout, which is always such an insult that there is sobbing and screaming. I change out a load of laundry while stepping past a tear-streaked, coughing-gagging girl, then seat Silas on the toilet, only to notice he's managed to pee through the gap between the seat layers, spraying pee everywhere.

So here I am, sopping up urine, calling for Silas to stay away from Jannika in timeout, yelling at Jannika to stop pushing Silas away, threatening more timeouts as they continue to fight, and gathering enough pee-soaked towels and stipped-off clothing to make another half load of laundry.

And then I step in a pile of cat vomit.

Ten minutes and 14 paper towels and a foot wash later, Silas starts throwing a fit because I'm attempting to put football underwear on him when he wants Thomas the Train underwear. I don't put up with this kind of nonsense normally, but my head is pounding and I'm about to give up when Jannika senses my distress and offers all helpfully, "Sy-Guy, do you want to wear big girl panties instead? They're SUPER comfy!" And gives me an Oh, we negotiated a win this time! all-knowing nod, and it's so sincere and I'm so grasping at any straw of sanity and kindness here that I look back to Silas with a raised eyebrow.

Finally, when everyone's calmed down and playing once more (and Silas is wearing some purple flower panties with scalloped lace edges), I sit down with a cup of coffee and glance at the clock. 6:17 a.m.

Please, please never ask a mom what she actually does all day. (It's happened to me.) Even if you're sincerely interested, just...don't. I've already put in half of an 8-hour workday by 9:30 a.m. so I'm liable to lean over and whisper in your ear, "I eat bonbons" and then punch you in the gut.