May 16, 2013

Look at you! You have a a bar...

New moms sometimes frequently obsessively freak out about strange, baby-related things. Growing up with 42 siblings and a mom who cut off-brand wipies in half to save a buck, I thought I was fairly impervious to the hype and drama; I was realistic and calculated, unable to be shaken.

OTHER MOMS:  These wipies are aren't aloe-infused. And they're room temperature - 17 degrees cooler than my baby's bottom! WHERE'S MY WIPIE WARMER??
ME:  Rob, I'm out of wipies - can you run and grab me a leaf from the front tree? Or a stick? A stick might work.

OTHER MOMS:  Look at the foam padding I just installed on the changing table's sharp corners! Nice, huh? No more owie heels from kicking!
ME:  Rob, can you nudge the TV over an inch so I can squeeze Jannika onto the edge of this dusty table? I shall call this "The Cheapest Changing Table in History." And it shall be glorious.

OTHER MOMS:  I just ordered the entire "Your Baby Can Read!" system for 4 bazillion dollars. Such a great investment into my child's future.
ME:  Rob, hand me that Meijer grocery ad, will you? See that, Jannika? Peaches are on sale for 69¢ a pound. Can you say "good sale"? Can you refrain from eating the frozen item section? I haven't gotten to it yet. Here, chew on this stick - daddy brought in some good leaves from the front tree this time and I didn't need it.

I shunned baby monitors and pricey toys and diaper genies. However, there WERE two things that threw me for a loop:

Fevers and rectal temperature takings.

ROB:  That thing goes WHERE? WHAT?? What's wrong with her armpit??
ME:  I don't know. Supposedly it's not accurate? Does it feel like she has a fever??
ROB:  I have no clue. She feels like a baby.
ME:  Oh my word I think she has a fever!!!
ROB:  Stop screaming - you're making her cry. Here, I'll hold her legs.
ME:  I'm so sorry, Jannika! You sweet, hot baby. I'm so sorry!!
ROB:  What does it say?
ME:  We're up to 72.2. I probably didn't have to shake it down so far.
ROB:  You probably shouldn't have bought a thermometer from the 1800s.
ME:  It's brand new! It just doesn't have a battery and it's...just...
ROB:  ...uh, mercury-laden?
ME:  Shut it.
***27 minutes later***
ME:  We're up to 98.7.........98.8..........98.9...................I think that's it. 98.9.
ROB:  Is that a fever?
ME:  Well, temperatures taken rect-- WHAT?????
ROB:  What?!
ME, panicking, then sobbing:  99.7...100.6! Ack! It's skyrocketing!! 101.8!...Rob!! WHAT'S GOING ON?!? 102.9!...104.7!

Lessons learned here:

1) Poop is not 98.6 degrees. I don't know why.

2) It is difficult to be useful and catch anything with your hands (and by "anything" I mean "projectile poop catapulting toward your bathroom wall") when worrying about dropping a glass thermometer.

3) Only buy glass thermometers if you live back before batteries were invented.

4) Sticks do not make good baby chew toys. Unrelated, I know. But still good info.

You're welcome. For all of it.

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