March 20, 2012

I dun learned myself some computer edumacation

A true woman color-coordinates her glasses, computer, shirt, and sweatpants.
I taught myself how to lay ceramic tile.
     And then I tiled myself into a corner that required two adjoined 1/8-inch wall tiles. As in I wet sawed 5 and 7/8 inches OFF a 6-inch tile. Twice. To plug an ill-planned tile gap.

I taught myself how to play the guitar.
     And then I somehow got roped into awkwardly strumming for Young Life's praise time and gave new meaning to everyone crooning, How long must we sing this song? How loooong? How loooooooong?

I taught myself how to oil paint.
     And I am ineffective with liquin, I have no clue why linseed oil is always included in oil painting kits, and I use highly-professional paper plates with printed vegetable designs for a palette.

I taught myself how to use Photoshop.
     And I spent the next five? six? years unaware that there was something called "free transform" that was seemingly magical and could re-size a layered image in front of my eyes. Shut the front door.

I taught myself how to rewire outlets, instal light fixtures, and mount ceiling fans.
     And then I installed a light switch that sparked a miniature fire within our wall, the char of which was discovered by our electrician cousin, of all people. Embarrassing.

I taught myself how to use Excel.
     And I have created a monster spreadsheet with approximately 300,000 equations (no joke - I just Fn+End'd to whip out a calculator) that are so tangly and interdependent on other cells' equations that it takes about 10 minutes to open the spreadsheet, about 20 minutes to insert one (ONE!) blank row, and 10 hours to process and autofill those 300,000 cells when given only two weeks worth of data. I am either:
a) Choosing the most inefficient equations and layout known to humankind. (Plausible.)
b) Utilizing the wrong program in the first place. (Also possible.)
c) Subconsciously giving myself an excuse to spend copious amounts of time on Pinterest. (No comment.)

Seriously, my father-in-law told me to track my hours, and I need an Excel spreadsheet just to figure out what to charge to the company.

8:00 Open spreadsheet.
8:01 Check email.
8:04 Check Facebook
8:05 Check on spreadsheet opening status. Freeze computer for two minutes.
8:07 Log into Pinterest.
8:09 Check Excel. Freeze computer for 30 seconds.
8:10 Scroll through Pinterest.
8:13 Cut one row of data, paste it one row lower. Computer has seizures for four minutes.
8:17 Scroll through Pinterest.
8:35 Excel still not responding. Return to Pinterest.
9:12 Excel now responding but still processing some cell equations. Return to Pinterest.
10:45 Tear myself away from Pinterest.
10:46 Write a blog about my limited Excel skills and include the word Pinterest eight times within four minutes WHILE intermittently browsing Pinterest. (nine)
11:50 Finish blog, return to Excel to save the oh-so-updated spreadsheet, go to bed to wait out the three hours of "Saving..." status.

Minutes to charge to the company: 2
Minutes of my life wasted away due to limited self-taught Excel skills: 228

In other news, I also taught myself how to install a new indoor fireplace into the gas line. Impressed?

Yeah, we'll see.

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