January 31, 2012

It's not 1981 anymore, Rico.

So I biked to the bike store this morning to get a kickstand. Yes, for me.

After the laughter of the guys working there died down, one guy finally looked suddenly startled and goes, "It really is for you? Not one of these guys?" (motioning to my kids).

Me: "Nooooo. My bike is almost always attached to this bike trailer for the kids, and when it's in the garage, it falls all over the place. Or when I stop to let them out, my pedals and gears end up grinding against the sidewalk when there are no trees around to lean my bike against."

Guy: "Huh. Well, I guess that makes sense."

Uh, yeah, it does. Who are the unpractical people who decide to make practical things uncool?

Who was the first to be like, "Dude, seriously? You have a kickstand? What kind of lame-o are you? You actually want to keep your bike upright and not have it fall against your car in the garage? Kickstands are for losers who don't want to throw their bikes to the ground each time they get off them."

Or like trapper keepers. Totally practical. Who was the first douchebag to be like, "Geez, man. You keep all your supplies together in one place? What kind of loser are you? Look, I keep my calculator in my back pocket and pinch a few pencils between pages of this spiral notebook. And then I put my other notebook on top to stabilize the first notebook. And my loose leaf paper I stuff down my shirt. And my pen goes behind my ear. Really. A trapper keeper? Dork."

Or like mid-rise jeans. Also totally practical - you're contained, yet you don't have the 9" crotch inseam of mom jeans. What idiot first said, "Girl, you got to get yourself some low-rise jeans. Look at you with your stomach all pulled in. I'm embarrassed to even be seen with you. Look, these jeans have a 1" zipper and they totally give me a muffin top and show my crack every time I bend over. And the best part? When I eat a normal lunch, they make me look like I'm 3 months pregnant. Get with the program - 2" below your bellybutton is lame. It's all about the 6" gap.

So, yes, I had them install a kickstand for my bike. And it came in handy at the park. And now it's doing a great job in the garage. My only regret is that it took me so long to get one.

Now, those bike helmets from the 90s? The ones that looked like you were sporting a cue ball for a helmet? I'm gonna bend a little on those - I may not actually need or benefit from (read: NOT PRACTICAL) from the aerodynamic styles of today (I mean, really, I go about 5 miles an hour with 100 pounds of kids and trailer being pulled behind me), but I am grateful for the first "Dude, why are we wearing giant styrofoam mushrooms on our heads? Why don't we aim for something cooler? Something less...bulbous." Thank you, unpractical yet stylish biker person.

However, I've got a bone to pick with the first fanny pack hater snubbing the awesome hands-free storage capabilities of one of the most practical purse/backpack/tool-belt hybrids of all times. Now I don't wear one (for wanting-to-stay-married reasons), but when I'm taking the kids for a walk and trying to juggle my keys, my phone, and the 93 dandelion bouquets I'm handed...all while trying to drink coffee? A fanny pack sounds pretty practical, does it not?

It's okay. You can admit it.

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