November 18, 2011

Chapter 1: How to Exercise Your Kids While You Drink Coffee

I often find my propensity to drink coffee leisurely often clashes with my desire for healthy, fit children. Unless you feed them six cookies and set them loose in your house with a bunch of your friends' kids, you probably won't end up with this random, kid-initiated sweat-fest:

Plus you just fed your kid six cookies. And watched them gyrate half-naked in the living room.

Therefore, to assist other parents who may find themselves in my boat, I have fashioned a helpful list.

How to Exercise Your Kids While You Drink Coffee

Method 1
Nestle yourself into a comfy seat at the end of a hallway. Sip your coffee. Promise your daughter she can lick the stray drop of creamer on the outside of your cup if she fetches two pairs of socks. (This does work as motivation, by the way.) Sip. As your children gather to see what kind of weird game you've invented now, slowly (with much drama) sound out, "READY...SET...GO!!" And throw one sock ball down the hallway. Sip. Just as they run back to you, laughing and screaming, throw the other sock ball and call out, "GET IT, SILAS!" Sip. Watch as sibling rivalry kicks in and your daughter madly scrambles to retrieve the socks supposedly meant for her little brother. Watch as the doting little brother runs after the object of his affection, who is currently trying to one-up him and steal his sock. Sip. Repeat until a fist fight erupts.
Sweat rating: 4/10. Duration: 10-15 minutes.

Method 2
Nestle yourself into a comfy seat on the floor. Sip your coffee. Call your kids into the room, and as they approach, make this face:
Reach out your arms (being mindful of your coffee, of course) and growl, and take a sip as they run away shrieking with laughter. Act like nothing happened, wait for them to slowly approach you again, you sipping your coffee and them giggling with horrified laughter, and just as they get close again, repeat. If you add tickling, this one will last longer (like up to two hours if your kids have their way); however, tickling also comes with an increased possibility of coffee spillage and amplified probability of child peeage. You've been duly warned.
Sweat rating: 5/10. Duration: 20-120 minutes.

Method 3
Walk to the park while sipping a travel mug of coffee. When you reach a long stretch of grass, point to a tree waaaaay far away and ask, "Hey! See that tree right over there?" And when your eldest nods affirmatively, suddenly scream, "RUUUUUUUUN! GO! GO! GO! GET. THAT. TREE!" Sip your coffee and watch as caveman survival instincts kick in and she starts sprinting for the tree, half out of "this is kind of a fun game...I guess?" good-naturedness and half out of "what?? what is going on? is there something after me???" horror. Sip your coffee while you watch your son stumble after her in an attempt to prove he's just as capable as any girl.
Sweat rating: 8/10. Duration: 7-10 minutes. (Any longer than that and your kids probably thought you were pointing to the tree on the horizon...then you have to actually exercise yourself - which is what we're all avoiding here - and run after them to fetch them.)

Keep up with these methods, and you will soon be on my fast-track to lazy parenting. You're welcome.

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