I've never...

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I remember my sister-in-law, Vicki, once remark that she should have kept a list entitled "Things I never thought I'd say to my kids." This was after she told one of her four kids to stop licking the camper.

So I now present my own list, "Rules I never thought I'd make for my kids." Make no mistake - these are actual and oft-repeated rules in my house.

NO ROBES ON HEADS

This was in reaction to a time my robe came flying down the stairs as I was walking up. Upon scooping it up, I found a child inside.

NO BUCKETS ON HEADS

Same gist - watched Jannika walk right off the top step once...with a bucket on her head.

THE POTTY IS FOR PEE, NOT PLASTIC ANIMALS
Apparently the toilet closely resembles a picturesque lake for 2" plastic swans.

YOU STAND ON MOM'S FEET, YOU GET A TIMEOUT

I mean, really. If you haven't experienced it, please don't judge.

NO TALKING TO MOM WHEN SHE'S BACKING OUT OF THE GARAGE
I have a 3" clearance on each side. This may be yelled out as often as four times a week.

PICKLES ARE "SOMETIMES FOOD"

The dang economy size jar is about 293019 pounds... just enough to make me super lazy to pull it out of the fridge for sandwiches most days.

NO BREATHING INTO MOM'S MOUTH DURING SNUGGLE TIME

*shudder* That's about as bad as drinking someone's leftover milk. Blech.

NO TOUCHING YOUR BOTTOM UNLESS YOU'RE IN THE TUB
In the tub? Knock yourself out.

ONLY TOUCH YOUR OWN BOTTOM IN THE TUB
A slight amendment to the original rule after two-kids-in-a-tub together fallout...