August 15, 2012

10 steps in mastering the art of feline passive-aggression

What? Just chillin' right here where you're trying to vacuum.
Step 1: Determine which item of furniture will be hauled downstairs by your human captors.
Assume identity of "loving friend" - purring, following them upstairs. Sometimes offering a distraction of exposed fluff works wonders. Throw yourself across the floor, stretch out on your back to maximize soft fluff exposure, and force them to either scratch you or walk around you.

Step 2: Plant yourself solidly on said furniture.
But be sly about it - walk as nonchalantly as you can, and be sure to sniff a few random objects on the hallway floor for effect before jumping up.

Step 3: Relax all muscles and ligaments.
Do not skip this step as you will be as unwieldy as a sack of potatoes when one human captor makes a halfhearted attempt to push you off.

Step 4: Close your eyes and take a nap.
Yes, while the piece of furniture is being slowly carried down the hallway. Maybe flex your paws luxuriously a few times. Ignore all grunts and gasps; overlook any mild obscenities thrown your direction.

Step 5: Don't panic at the stairs.
And don't fight gravity - it is your friend.

Step 6: Slide into the face of the human captor bearing all the weight on the stairs, making sure to cover his eyes.
Pressing a paw into an eyeball at this point is somewhat effective.

Step 7: Insert fluff into his half-open mouth.
Ignore all howls of laughter from the other human captor. Continue to nap.

Step 8: Muster a dignified look as disdain after you're thrown off the side of the balcony and flip through the air.
That left-hand turn on the stairs is unavoidable, but your human captors should be made to feel sorry for you, regardless.

Step 9: Go throw up somewhere.
Or poop in the middle of the guest room's comforter.

Step 10: Continue your quest for passive-aggressive domination.
Go sit on and wrinkle a pile of papers being sorted. Groom all your hair onto the mound of clean clothes waiting to be folded. Paw a cup of juice onto the newly-washed floor. Creativity is key. You may stop for chin scratches and lap snuggles, but make sure you then pounce on and energetically bite sheet-covered feet in the middle of the night.

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