June 15, 2011

Texas' salty sweat pools


I've discovered a few things about swimming pools down here in Texas.

1) In Michigan and Wisconsin, there's something called tanning that occasionally occurs in chairs around a pool. The concept is simple: you go to the pool and you stretch out in a chair in an attempt to a) get warm, and b) change your green, translucent skin into something remotely flesh-colored. Here in Texas, there's something called sweating. You have a choice - don't want to get in the water? You can sit in the sun and either drown in your own sweat within four minutes or die of heatstroke in six. You can sit in a chair in the shade - which, consequently, is still 100 degrees - with your rear bubbling in a 2" pool of chair seat sweat. Or you can go in the pool and hang out, where the sweat from any body part not submerged can easily drip down and mix with everyone else's collection of sweat. Supposedly there is a new trend of salt water pools...I'm not entirely convinced, however, that it's anything other than chlorine pools overtaken by persistent sweat glands.

2) In Texas, there is a genre of moms who actually dress up to go and sweat it out at the pool. And I hardly need mention that a large handful of these moms are...er...artificially enhanced. I mean, I'm not judging - if there were some way to force all weight gain to only specific, womanly parts of my body, I'd be packing on 20 pounds just like that. As it is, I was blessed with the other kind of weight-gain-in-womanly-parts gene, as in weight-gain-that-makes-you-look-pregnant-when-you're-not. Trust me. There's a difference. So here's to healthy eating.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Cute, styled hair and makeup at the pool. Me? Well, going to the pool doesn't make that much of a difference in my day other than giving me a completely legitimate excuse (other than my usual "too lazy" catch-all) to skip makeup altogether. And shoot, ponytails are made for pools.

The other day, I watched a young toddler across the pool in rapt fascination (while my kids were coughing and drowning, unnoticed, right next to me). I was absolutely fascinated by the tiny girl who was wearing a cute frilly suit, her rump-length hair swept up in a 6-inch pink polka-dot bow that matched her pink polka-dot swim diaper peeking out of her suit. That is commitment. Meanwhile, Jannika was breathless with wonder at receiving a new swimsuit this year...but only because the salt/pee water ate through her suit last summer and I couldn't find a tasteful swimsuit at a garage sale all this spring. Oh, my poor kids. They will hate me in about ten years.

1 comment:

Erin Ferris said...

I'm definitely going to post a link to this post on my blog - you describe the pool situation here in Texas perfectly!